Baby Steps

My life for the past year and a half has had big momentous stuff in it.  BIG!  The defining thing over these last months has been my husband's illness and subsequent death.  It has changed me forever.  It has been a soul journey.  I miss him more than ever.  It has been just over 8 months since he left this earthly plane and my soul still feels like it is missing a part of itself.  I've just passed one of the most difficult months--the anniversary of the deaths of my mother-in-law, my mother, our parrot and two friends as well as our wedding anniversary and my mom and husband's birthday.  I think I held my breath through the month because the last few days I've been extremely sad--a delayed reaction perhaps?  Of course, I also just gave up sugar and all things white this week so that will also impact my mental health.  Sugar and white stuff are no longer there to fill that hole and I must deal with it.

While I am extremely sad, I've never been more driven since Tom died. If you know me, do not mistake "driven" to be anything like I was before.  Since Tom died I have lived only in the  moment.  I've just begun to think about the future but have no idea what my future will be.  And therefore have been unable to take any action.  I have had yet another aha moment today.  Let me explain . . .

About six weeks ago, we received an assignment in my spousal bereavement support group, The topic was to share about our "emerging" self.  What do we see as our future.  To be honest, it wasn't until about May that the thought even occurred to me that I must create a new life, one without Tom.  And really, I don't want to do it.  I want my old life back.  But I don't have a choice in the matter and I am one to take on most challenges head on.  So I did a fair amount of cogitating on the matter and from the two weeks of contemplation, three "pillars" emerged for me.

1.  to lead a spirit-filled and spirit-led life
2.  to be lean, fit and healthy
3.  to have love in my life

I have had no idea how to get from here to there.  And I didn't feel the need to have a grand plan.  There are lots of different ways to get there, and I've not yet formalized those things.  I've started the process of creating a vision board, but to date all I've done is go through magazines and pull out images.  I've not gone beyond that for a variety of reasons, mostly time, and work priorities.  (I really should be working right now but am feeling really drawn to do this).

This morning I realized that action is required to achieve those things I want in my life, and I am the only one responsible for that action.  And it may be baby steps.  I may not know everything that I want or how to get there, but more will be revealed.

So for today I am taking a baby step toward item number two.  I've gained weight which has made my knee pain much worse, to the point it is interfering with my daily life.  I can be the only one to change that at this point (I plan on putting surgery off for as long as possible and I am no where near in a place to undertake such a big surgery).  This week I've quit sugar and white.  I've had a headache for a few days.  I am determined to make small changes, small commitments, one at a time, to change this part of my life.

Just for today I will feed my body healthy nourishing foods.