Staying in the Love

This morning I was thinking about what was happening a year ago today.  Tom was in the last 30 hours of his life, although we were both still hoping that the last chemo treatment would bring him some relief and he would start to improve.  The day before we had a hospital bed delivered to our living room.  Tom did not want it.  But I told him that I wanted to keep our bedroom sacred, a special place that was our refuge.  He could no longer manage the stairs and I told him that I did not want a lot of strangers intruding upon our sanctuary.  He understood and agreed.  I do not regret that decision at all, because our bedroom is still my sanctuary.

The first night with a hospital bed in our living room, I slept on the couch next to Tom, getting up every 45 minutes to assist him because he was so ill.  I was tired and cranky.  And then I remembered what a dear friend had shared with me.  She had lost her husband five years prior and said that she wished she had remembered to stay in the love.  That thought changed how I was feeling, because that is what I wanted to do.  So on that Monday morning, I lovingly gave Tom a bath, a shave (which I'd never done before) and changed his clothes and bedding.  Every single moment was with loving intent.  Later that day Devon and Nancy came to visit.  Tom looked so much better after his shave (he really was pretty scruffy).  Tom's brother was going to be arriving the next day.  There was much to do.

But what I remember about those last hours most is not the anguish and sadness (although I have not forgotten about them).  What I remember most is the love.  That I stayed in the love.  That our last hours together were about the love.  That is what I hold in my heart while I face this significant milestone tomorrow.  We were all about the love.