Survival and Endurance

The holidays are behind us, thank goodness.  Surprisingly I had a very good holiday.  I felt as if I was in a safe haven with my family and my pup, who had her first cross-country road trip.  I shared many of Tom's things with my family and it was gratifying to see the love and gratitude (and sometimes shock) on their faces as they opened their gifts.  My oldest nephew is a fan of Led Zeppelin and I gave him Tom's vintage vinyl, Led Zeppelin 1.  My sister-in-law asked him what his favorite LZ song was and he started to sing Black Dog.  The whole family joined in, bopping their heads (think Wayne's World) and for a moment it seemed to me that a wormhole opened and Tom was right there, like he was watching through my eyes.  It was the coolest thing.  We had done something similar many years ago at the Thanksgiving table with Bohemian Rhapsody.  I felt so connected.  It was magical in it own way. I sometimes forget that others are missing Tom too, perhaps not as intensely as I am, but missing him.  My tribe is not the same since he has been gone, but his imprint remains with the family unit.  I spent NYE with friends in Arizona.  It was the right thing place to be and felt good. The two weeks away felt like a wonderful respite from the daily heaviness of mourning.  It was good to come home, to the place where we shared our lives together.  His presence is here, as is the love.  People who have come into our home remark on it.  But I really feel his physical absence.  So now I am back to the reality of life.

Yesterday I met with an attorney to take care of my estate planning, something that I really haven't wanted to face.  I am also finishing up the last of the legal matters regarding his estate, something that I have been putting off.  I am ready.  We are rapidly approaching the one year anniversary of his passing at the end of the month and I am feeling the need to wrap things up, finish the legal things and finally clean out his closet.  For some reason, the one year anniversary feels like a watershed milestone to me.  I know I will not be all better (which is what I thought would happen in the early days of my bereavement).  I have been told the second year is harder than the first, but in a different way.  I was hoping that was not the case, but I believe it will be.  But, to me, the first year was about mourning his loss (which I will continue to do, perhaps for the rest of my life) and the second year is about beginning to rebuild my life.  It will not happen magically.  I've felt as if I having been living in survival mode, just enduring life and not living it.  At some point I hope to go from just enduring life to actively embracing it and enjoying it.  I know that is what Tom would want for me.  It is only in hindsight that I can begin to realize the depth of pain and loss and to see how far I've come.  But I have so very far to go.  It will come.  In time.  I will continue on this healing journey.  It is very very hard work.