Rain and Tears and Memories

It has been a rainy few weeks and I've been hunkered down inside with no energy except to watch TV.  I've found reruns of NYPD Blue and have been binge watching them.  I find it interesting the ones that have been aired recently.  NYPD Blue is close to my heart for a few reasons.  First, it was one of the programs that was popular during our early years together.  The second is that Dennis Franz (Andy Sipowicz character) is Tom's doppleganger.  They look so much alike that people would yell out of cars when we were walking down the street. 

The first episode that I caught was where Andy is hiding the fact that he has prostate cancer from his wife.  She confronts him and he breaks down, saying that the thought of not being with her and their son was too much to bear.  Right after Tom was diagnosed he said to me that he didn't want to leave me and Zora.  That particular episode touched my heart.  The next episode I caught is when Andy's partner Bobby is in the hospital after a raging infection caused his heart to fail which necessitate a heart transplant.  He then acquires another infection from which he cannot recover.  The feel of being in the hospital room, the look of fear and desperation on his wife's face as each hope is dashed and she has to face the fact that he is dying was like watching myself, trying to be strong and present while crumbling inside, wanting to do the best by him.  The last episode that I watched was when Andy had a bad reaction to the dye necessary for a CT scan and they had to give him some medication.  He then became very goofy.  It reminded me of when Tom had a severe GI bleed and they had to do an endoscopy to find out what was bleeding.  I walked into his room right after he got back to his room and he still had some of the anesthesia in his system and he said to me "I feel like the guy in the Jack-in-the-Box commercial".  It made us both laugh.  He didn't remember saying it later. 

http://ispot.tv/a/7Npt

I don't want to be the widow who is lost in the past, not living in the present, and not looking forward to the future.  But I am at that point where it can seem that happy memories are in the past, the present is very painful and the future is unknown and it is difficult to imagine happiness.  I can believe it to be true and hope for it.  I am right in the middle of a different kind of "hard part", the 18th mile of the marathon, far from the start line but the finish line isn't in sight.  It is a tortuous place to be.  The raw grief of the early days are gone. Some people think that since its been a year I should be all better (actually I used to think that too), but this is still really difficult. My ability to power through things is not what it used to be.  The last few days I've had the thought that if I am still going to be here, then I want to live life, not just exist.  Every day that I can't get out of the chair, do the things that I want and need to do to move forward, is a day in my life that I can't get back.  And yet I feel unable to change that.